The Good News About Bad Behavior
Katherine Reynolds Lewis’s 2018 parenting book, The Good News About Bad Behavior, is an accessible and inspiring read for any parent today. Lewis’s own experiences (parenting two daughters) led her husband and her to attending, and later instructing, PEP (Parent Encouragement Program) courses. As her research into child-rearing deepened she developed her own approach to parenting, one she coins the Apprenticeship Model. This approach highlights the importance of strong boundaries, natural consequences and democratic family decision-making in such a way that children experience more and more autonomy (in age-appropriate ways) as they demonstrate capability. Lewis’s book investigates the modern trends in technology use, mental disorders and addiction, as well as exploring permissive vs. authoritarian parenting techniques of days gone by; she concludes upon the imperative nature of shifting our approach to parenting in order to raise confident, mature and capable adults. As a mom of two daughters, I found her conclusions logical and inspiring and as I read the book, I began to shift my parenting in subtle ways, to positive results.
Lewis shares plenty of research from various neuroscience findings (she even signs up to be a participant in one study with one of her daughters and describes that experience). I appreciated that she rooted her parenting conversation in so much brain science, as the field of pediatric neuroscience is quickly expanding its findings and wildly fascinating.
Lewis hones in on a “three-step pattern—connection, communication, and capability building” (87) and structures her book around these three tenants of what she terms the Apprenticeship Model of parenting. She makes the case to truly connect with your kids, and to abstain from saying things that would be hurtful to the relationship. Lewis points out that misbehavior often indicates a different problem: perhaps a missing skill or a problem in the environment; she encourages parents to stop participating in power-struggles with their kids as that is a zero-sum game. She shares the Boston Basics (an inspiring civic program that came out of the Harvard Achievement Gap Initiative) five basic rules for connecting with your kids: “maximize love and manage stress [. . .], talk, sing and point [. . .], count, group and compare [. . .], explore through movement and play [. . .], [and] read and discuss stories” (105-106). Lewis implores parents to communicate effectively with their kids, and to remember that parenting is process, not a simple task with a short-term (perfect) result. Once we connect and communicate with our children, we can build their capability by giving them more jobs and teaching them real life skills. Lewis’s book even includes appendix with age-appropriate chores, to help guide parents as we give more responsibility to our kiddos.
Of course, failure will happen. Kids will misbehave (even kids who have connected, communicative parents). Lewis reminds parents to stay the course and hold to natural consequences. She references Jane Nelson’s Positive Discipline in which she develops “the ‘four Rs’ rule. Consequences should be related to the behavior, reasonable in scope, respectful of the child, and revealed in advance” (168-69).
Throughout The Good News About Bad Behavior, Lewis references Vicki Hoefle (of Duct Tape Parenting) courses (in which she encourages parents to say nothing to bad behavior and let it play out naturally) and programs like those developed at the PAXIS Institute for parents and educators (including the PAX Good Behavior Game which is transforming some schools around the country). Anyone struggling with the massive disconnect between the amount of information today’s parents have available and the amount to which modern kids misbehave will likely find this book worth reading. Parents today face the troubling statistics that the majority of children today mature into addiction or mental illness by the time they reach adulthood and are grasping to find successful ways to raise strong adults. Lewis’s model of taking the time to connect and communicate with our kids effectively, in order to grow their capability (which can only be done by teaching them skills and giving them the independence to practice, fail, and grow) offers an insightful alternative to the antiquated overly-authoritative and the reactionary overly-permissive modes of modern parenting. As with any parenting book, there were passages and concepts in The Good News About Bad Behavior that really grabbed me and others that I skimmed through (and I imagine those specifics would change if I read it at a different time in my parenting life). One thing that strikes me daily in my life as a parent is how fleeting childhood is—one day my daughters were babies, then curious toddlers, now they are school-aged inquirers increasingly reliant on their own skills. Lewis’s book (and apprenticeship model) is edifying to the modern parent because she recognizes that fact. She implores parents to teach their kids life skills and then get out of the way to allow them to practice living at a time when failure is not too dire.
Lewis concludes The Good News About Bad Behavior with a chapter on modeling, in which she encourages parents to turn inward and reflect on what we model to our children in our own lives from our communication skills to our technology use. So often parenting literature turns self-help by the end, and The Good News About Bad Behavior is no different. To be clear, that isn’t a criticism, parenting is daily modeling and it is the job that inspires many of us to be our best selves. In this final section, Lewis does not wax overly didactic, instead she encourages moms and dads to find space and time in their lives for mindfulness. Finding that pause, the metaphoric eddies available in the fast-moving river of modern life, as described by one woman she interviews, can have profound impact on our lives.
In the final lines of her book, Lewis likens parenting to sailing with its zigzag path that ultimately reaches its destination even amidst the big waves and threatening storms it must navigate. I encourage all of us sailors on the wild sea of child-rearing to read this book and consider Lewis’ approach to parenting, as it may help equip our hulls with the tools we need to tack fore and aft through to our children’s maturation.
A Few Great Passages:
“Through play, children learn how to make decisions, solve problems, and control their emotions” (28).
“[A]s long as we focus on empowering our children to become more independent and to figure out their own path—instead of imposing our will on them—we will create authentic relationships with them that endure for life” (117).
“Our role as parents isn’t to preside over an always peaceful household; it’s to see disruptions as a chance to better understand our children and help them grow. The home is a learning lab where our children can experiment, fail, and eventually succeed, not a shrine to perfection” (124).
“It simply takes time for experience to teach children the lessons they need to along in life. From the outside, kids who are growing into their independence may not look as together as the children whose parents do everything for them or prod them into completing every step on a checklist. But over time, as your kids wrestle with the normal challenges of life—not with you and your stupid rules—they will increasingly take responsibility for their belongings, schedules, and actions” (173).
“My role as parent it to help them discover their own passions within healthy limits, so they can leap into the world at age eighteen as capable, autonomous human beings who can control their impulses.” (192)
“We are the only parents our children have, so we must find the courage to be our best selves—and to forgive ourselves when we fall short. It’s worth the effort” (208).
“There simply is no shortcut to the long process of children learning from life, with your loving guidance” (227).
Bibliography:
Reynolds Lewis, Katherine. The Good News About Bad Behavior: Why Kids Are Less Disciplined Than Ever—And What to Do About It. New York: Public Affairs, Hachette Book Group, 2018.
